If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
You Might Also Like
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
at ease…shoulder.
My birth announcement for our third baby
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.