[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
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Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
I love art.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
he chose this
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.