I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
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Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.