HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
You Might Also Like
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer