me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
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I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
How wrong was this guy?
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
I falcon love using swear birds
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy