[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
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No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe