You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
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And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Shower sex be like:
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.