Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
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The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
what?
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.