I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
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You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.