Double negatives are never not confusing.
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cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!