My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
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No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Goat cheese is for herders.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Weighing up my bread heating options
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.