Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
You Might Also Like
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”