Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
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me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers