(Gaming support cat.)
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Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
I think my husband is beginning to suspect