POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
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*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.