Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
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No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more