Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
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Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Every house has this drawer
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*