No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
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For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins