WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
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Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.