Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
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If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.