You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
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Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
I falcon love using swear birds
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.