Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
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BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Woke up against my better judgement again
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight