I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
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Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
#parenting
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.