always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
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A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time