If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
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My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
We like the way Dwight thinks
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…