I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
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It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
*seductively corrects your posture*
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
When does CPR become necrophilia?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Just a reminder, folks:
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*