Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
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[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?