I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
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Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
no one likes gloating
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵