Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
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Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.