Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
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People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS