“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
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First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
so i’m at the stock market right
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam