[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
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remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
put ‘er there pardner!
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.