I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
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Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
They must have gotten it to go.
Oceanography is all about current events
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.