Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
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If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
lol
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them