Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
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absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.