Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
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I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.