My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
You Might Also Like
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs