*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
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I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
wtf is a larm clock?
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Barbie gone wild
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets