is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
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20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.