In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
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My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
i love meeting boys on tinder
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”