I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
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Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
What
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
I don’t think my car can fly
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars