By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
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I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.