Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
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We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
and this one
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…