Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
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How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
R.I.P.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂