this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
You Might Also Like
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
never compromise your values
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Deer are just ballerina dogs
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.