I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
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When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…