Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
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What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.