To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
You Might Also Like
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
me after drinking all the wine:
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out