HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
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*throws phone in holy water
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
ibopfufen
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”