Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
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Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.